Identity Is Built. Community Is Too. (20 Years to Realize)

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The Big Idea

Identity and community are both built, and they get built together. You cannot choose your people until you know who you are, and you cannot fully know who you are without people who can see you. High school ran on labels handed out before we could form an opinion, so we were mostly in community with each other's labels. Skip either half and it stalls. Start this week with one question that invites a person instead of a box.

"A compliment you're not allowed to outgrow is still a box you're stuck in."

Jess Webber · Episode 37

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Your Next Right Move

Pick one person who would normally get the quick summary question and ask them something that invites them to be a person instead of a box. What are you most excited about right now? What is the best book you have read this year? Then notice what you say when somebody asks you. If someone asks where you went to high school, answer it, and then tell them the thing you are excited about. If you want to go one layer deeper, think of a sentence someone said about you a long time ago that you still treat like a fact, and ask yourself whether it is true or just a draft you never bothered revising.

Book Referenced

Mindset by Carol Dweck

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Full Show Notes ▼

In This Episode

• Why a two-hour reunion turned into six hours, and the one change to the opening question that made it happen
• Why "give me the last 20 years in five sentences" asks what box you landed in instead of who you are
• How a class with an outdated contact list still filled a room: one-to-one outreach, and why community needs somebody to go first
• The football players Jess never spoke to in high school, and what she missed by letting a label do her curiosity for her
• Carol Dweck's research on fixed and growth mindset language, and why "you're the smart one" is a small fixed mindset sentence
• A very St. Louis example of a label outliving the building it came from
• Jess's masking story: becoming a chameleon at a rigorous school, and what changed when she accepted her nerdy, book-loving, ADHD self
• Why identity and community have to be built together, and what happens when you skip either half
• One small thing to try this week with one person and one question

Memorable Lines

• "A compliment you're not allowed to outgrow is still a box you're stuck in."
• "Community will never be built from an outdated email list."
• "Better questions gave people permission to stick around."
• "If you work on knowing yourself by yourself, you end up a very articulate person alone in a room."
• "Labels are what you get handed. Identity and community are what you build, and they have to be built together."

Key Themes

• Labels versus identity
• Fixed and growth mindset language
• Community built on contact, not status
• Better questions than the quick life summary
• Masking and authenticity
• Identity and community built together
• Curiosity as the cost of a label

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Big Ideas Made Simple is a decision-making podcast for fast thinkers who are tired of hiding behind hustle and perfection. Hosted by Jess Webber. New episodes weekly at bigideasmadesimple.captivate.fm.