Disappointment isn't about the number on the ground. It's about the gap between what you saw and the other person saw. This check shows whether you and someone else are looking at the same number, and what to do next if you're not.
For anyone in a personal or professional relationship who walked out of a conversation feeling clear, then found out weeks later you were talking about different things. Use it before a hard conversation, or after one that didn't land.
The Relationships Expectation Check
1. Could you write, in one sentence, what the other person expects from you this month?
2. Have you said that expectation out loud, in those words?
3. Could they describe your expectation of them in their own words?
4. When something came back different than you expected, what did you do?
5. Is there a finish line you can point to, with a number and a date?
6. Have you agreed on that finish line with them, or only with yourself?
7. When you're frustrated, how often is it about a gap you never named?
8. Are you holding yourself to an expectation you never wrote down?
Same number (0 to 5)
Your expectations are mostly visible. Keep checking them at regular points, and pick one relationship this week to run the three steps on the episode: start with what's on the table, reflect back what you're hearing, agree on the finish line.
Different numbers (6 to 11)
You are assuming more than you are saying. Pick the relationship with the highest score and run the three steps once this week, starting with the question: Here's what I'm hearing. Does this match?
Hidden number (12 to 16)
The gap is probably driving most of your frustration. Start with one question: Here's what I'm hearing. Does this match? Then agree on one finish line with a number and a date.
FAQ
How do I know if someone else has the same expectation as me?
You usually find out after something comes back different. Say what you're hearing in plain words and ask, did I get that right? If they say yes, you're confirmed. If they say no, you found the gap before it cost you anything.
What is the six and nine illustration?
Two people stand across from each other looking at the same picture on the ground. One sees a six, the other sees a nine, and both are 100% sure they are right. Disappointment comes from that gap, not from the number on the ground.
What makes an expectation a finish line?
A finish line is clearly defined, not vague. "Do better," "be more visible," and "be more present" are not finish lines. A finish line is something you can both see at the same time, so you can celebrate when you get there.
What should I do if the other person says I'm wrong about what they expect?
Don't defend your version. Listen and better understand what they mean. The goal is not to be right on the first try. The goal is to stop assuming you know everything.
Go deeper
The episode, Disappointments Can Be Avoided (If You Know This Strategy), explains the six and nine picture, the Hundred Zero Principle, and the three steps behind this check. The tool shows where your own gap sits. The episode explains why that gap forms.
Listen to Ep 40: https://jesswebber.com/bigideasmadesimple/how-to-avoid-disappointment
Related
Ep 39: Say It Plainly: https://jesswebber.com/bigideasmadesimple/explain-what-you-do-plainly
Ep 27: The Trust Test: https://jesswebber.com/bigideasmadesimple/trust-tell-managing-people
Big Ideas Made Simple is a decision-making podcast for fast thinkers who are tired of hiding behind hustle and perfection. Hosted by Jess Webber. New episodes weekly at bigideasmadesimple.captivate.fm.
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